Sometimes, I find myself particularly tired of my place in life… and then it hits me: I want it now. I want my portion now. I have been promised an inheritance, and I’m tired of waiting. Oh God, have mercy on me. It all begins when I start to think about the things that I do, the places I’ve been, the person I’ve become, and I look at all of the people who just don’t care, all of the opportunities that never presented themselves, all of the situations that I’ve judged to be unfair. I feel gypped, robbed. I feel like it’s about time that I find a useful place in life utilizing my whole person. I’m tired of being at the place of existing and waiting and doing so much work to continue waiting for something fulfilling.

I’m so close to being a prodigal. But then I remember Jesus’ parable. Then I remember Peter’s words of wisdom. Then I repent of my thoughts.

I am easily tired and worn out. I am easily fed up and sickened by familiarity and routine. I am weary of watching my life pass before my eyes as the things which I feel would bring me fulfillment pass me by in favor of other people. “The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you…” — 2 Peter 3:9

I could say something to the idea of “maybe the things that I feel would bring me fulfillment really wouldn’t.” I could say that maybe God has a purpose in allowing me to be passed over and ignored. But I don’t think my heart is misguided in this. I don’t think my feelings are lying. I don’t think my motives are impure. I do, however, think I need to be found in the place of readiness for His blessing. He is patient toward me, giving me time to repent and change and renew my mind. His blessing is on the transformed life and I must hasten my transformation by renewing my mind. At the same time, I must be patient for the times that the process doesn’t progress as quickly as I would like it. So here is my mind, God; will You teach my heart to know Your ways, to think Your thoughts? Will you illuminate the darkness in my mind? Will You remove the spiritual blindness oppressing me? Will You lead captivity captive? Will You kill death? Will You enable me to enjoy You?

2 Replies to “Blessing”

  1. I can relate to the feeling of being stuck. One thought on the prodigal though…

    The one son thought the only way to enjoy his inheritance was to take it and leave the father’s house to use it. The other, however, made the mistake of living like the inheritance wasn’t already his. The Father says to the older son “I am always with you, and everything I have is yours.” The son was upset because the Father hadn’t given him anything, and the Father basically says “while your in my house, you don’t need to wait til I’m gone. You can enjoy everything I have for you now, and it’s always been that way.”

    So the question that remains is how do we live our lives as sons who have already been given all things? What does it mean to fully enjoy all things right now, even though experientially we don’t seem to have all things?

    It’s just as much of a hell to live in the older prodigal son’s reality as it is to live in the younger one’s.

    1. I really think that the point about the older son in that parable is that he was still living in his father’s house with the blessing of living in close relationship with his father—not so much that he had access to his inheritance. In that sense, the older son’s story is exactly what I am describing as well because until the older son realized that he was living in relationship with his father who had all things, he would not be able to enjoy blessing through his father. It all comes back to the blessing of relationship itself. The benefits of relationship (opportunities, success, importance) come from simply enjoying the relationship first.

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