Themes

In all honesty, I haven’t had a lot on my mind lately. Over Thanksgiving break I’ve been house-sitting which has been a blessing and a curse, but mostly blessing. The hard part is being by myself, yet at the same time that is also the blessing—the silence is like an emotional/mental/spiritual detox. Yep, it’s just me and the dog I’m watching and frankly, I couldn’t ask for more.

Thanks to the tremendous amount of silence and stillness, I’ve been praying like nobody’s business (who else am I going to talk to?). I did spend some time with family on Thanksgiving Day, but I’ve mostly just been tending to the house and the dog and praying. I did venture out on Black Friday to a local coffee shop (there’s something about being in the company of strangers that’s oddly affirming of my humanity) and had a chance encounter with a friend I haven’t seen in months (though it felt like years). So really, nothing hugely fantastic has really happened over the last few days, but that’s ok: I’m learning to feel His pleasure in the little things.

I’ve still been recording my important thoughts as I have them although they have been much fewer as of late. I think I’m beginning to see a theme however. Much of the things that I ponder relate to ways that I can grow in genuineness but genuineness is never the point. That is, genuineness is a byproduct, not a goal. That’s it really. If I were to say that my main goal in life is to be genuine, then firstly, I wouldn’t be being honest with myself and secondly, I would have no idea what that would even look like. It just so happens though that when you live according to your convictions and humbly adapt to circumstances and ideas that you encounter, genuineness forms as a result of living unashamedly as yourself. As a Christian that’s only part of it though. Genuineness also comes from living unashamedly toward Christ. Something I’ve realized while I’ve been praying is that admission of weakness is not designed so that we would dwell on our needful state, but so that we would celebrate Christ’s power and life already at work in us. It’s the celebration of Christ in our lives that marks us as genuine Christians. Love, joy, peace, and righteousness in the Holy Spirit. I couldn’t ask for more.

Change

Ok, as I begin this post, I frankly have no idea where it’s going to end up. Sooooo, here goes.

Today began with the word “change” for me. I noticed that in the word “change” is the word “hang” and I realized that so often change feels like your life is hanging in the balance. Right now, my life feels like it’s hanging in the balance. I’m on choir tour with my school, and things started off pretty well, but something today went out of whack. I’m not sure when or how it happened either. I do know this: God kind of warned me that He was going to wreck me. I also know that from the outset of this trip, I was looking forward to talking to all kinds of different people in order to see how God was going to move in different ways. Maybe I’m just short-sighted. It’s day two of four but I feel like I already want it to be over because I am being forced to interact with certain people much sooner than I was anticipating.

In a sense, I guess I’m really complaining about control. I am definitely NOT in control of the situation here. The question is now, “Can I control myself?” If I am going to be completely honest with myself, I knew there was this possibility before tour even started, but I’m not sure I could have done anything to prevent it. Ok, enough complaining. I’m sorry. I do have something more meaningful to share.

I’ve been keeping record of my thoughts lately. Over the last six days, every time I have a thought that is particularly profound in a personal sense (I am blessed to have quite a few), I write it down. I have filled an entire page in six days, and the results are interesting. I am able to read through it and be reminded of lessons that I have learned and perspectives that I desire to maintain. I am also becoming more aware of questions and longings in my heart. Something I have particularly enjoyed though is the ability to stop thinking about ideas that I want to remember. Writing everything down has allowed me to clear my head for my thoughts to continue to flow and lead me to some logical conclusions and some questions that dig even deeper into my original processes.

One of the conclusions I have come to that I believe God lead me to was that if I am in the center of God’s will, I have not missed a single thing that He has planned for my life. If I continually set my face to seek Him, then He will bring me into the best He has for me. Here’s the hard part though: His best is not always what I think should be His best. In the words of a deeply meaningful song: “I want Your best, but what if Your best is brokenness, would I be broken? I want Your best, but what if it’s less than what I ask, and what I’m hoping. What if Your best is here in the waiting—here in the going through the motions?” (What If Your Best by FFH) Ouch God. I just want to cry because I know He is so good, but He is asking me to let go of control—to let go of my death grip on what I want for my life so that He can lead me into something truly needful and enjoyable. I think I forget so easily that if I haven’t developed my relationship with God in this life, then I haven’t done anything eternal. It’s a challenge almost. What if I could aspire to be the most normal, average, unnoticed person? What if I managed to avoid all fame and notoriety in this life completely? What if I pursue the purpose that I believe God has called me to and no one ever cares except God and myself? Can I be okay with that now? Will I reap the benefits of that in eternity? I am in so much emotional turmoil over this right now it’s not even funny. I’m scared and bitter and despairing. I don’t know what to do with this. Here God, I offer this pitiful, pathetic, fearful wreck to You. I fear abandonment. I fear loss. I fear the empty spaces. Yet it is the wide open spaces of the unknown that continually call my name. It is in the unknown that I find freedom to define myself and explore the depths of relationship with God.

Here I am, caught between the best and worst that life has to offer; and the only thing that I can think to do is fall on the floor and weep.

My thoughts over the last six days.