Identity: Revisited

Streets of asphalt... streets of gold.

I was reading through some of my journal entries from a year ago, and I swear I don’t believe I actually wrote them. The maturity I expressed in my writings a year ago far outshines the musings of my heart now (or so I feel). Literally, I am in awe of who I’ve been. I remember every situation, I remember all the pain. Yet somehow through it all, the yearning of my heart remains the same: the abundant life.

The first words that come to mind looking at this are "foundation" and "time."

I am a citizen of heaven. I was made to walk on streets of gold. In the meantime, I will treat this asphalt as though it were gold. Let the eyes of my heart awake to wonder. I may not live in heaven right now, but I will very soon—why not act like I already do since that’s who I am?

Ah, yes, here is the tension I’ve been feeling. It masquerades as boredom. It veils the face of my Beloved. It traps my mind so that I cannot remember how a citizen of the kingdom thinks. Is it any surprise then that I’ve been asking myself who I am today? Looking back through pictures of myself from the last two years, I could not find any that reflected who I am now. I kept questioning and looking and nothing seemed to fit. So, I took some new pictures. Slowly now I remember who I am. I’ve been fighting for two years to not lose myself, and I almost lost. Abba, sustain me!



I’m struggling with what to say right now. I want to feel like I did when I took this picture.

What does this make you feel like?

I felt free and safe. I felt hope. I felt fear. Now I just feel very tired. I’ve applied for five different jobs this week, now I’m in the process of following up. Who knows: maybe God will open doors somewhere. I’ll just keep trying, and in the meantime, I’ll keep drawing as close to Abba as I possibly can. I won’t let go until You bless me. I will fight for the kingdom of heaven on earth.

I’ve also been working on touching up some songs I’ve been recording and working on sporadically over the past two years. I don’t have a studio microphone, but I do the best I can to make my vocals sound good. I feel like the theme that is emerging from my songs is God’s presence (I’m pretty interested in that topic in case you couldn’t tell) so I’ve titled my soon-to-be album, “Break the Seal,” to signify my desire for God to stir Himself to action, to open the seals on the scroll in heaven and show His power in new and mighty ways. You can take a listen to a few of the songs I’ve finished (for now) here.

break the seal cover
My cover art.