Tag: alone

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Something Different

It all began with a fortune, you know, from a fortune cookie:

My fortune at dinner that night.

These things are usually meant to be pretty generic, but it’s always amusing (and sometimes I think God-ordained) when they line up with actual events about to happen in your life. In this case, I knew that what I had planned for my weekend was going to be different than normal. What was it you ask? This:

Yay for the arts!

I accompanied a poem reading on violin for an art expo at a local church. There were singers, dancers, musicians, and fine artists of all sorts—and completely free. It was worth the time, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. 🙂
That’s all I really have to say about that… but not quite. I don’t really have much to say about performing, but I do have something to say about the experience.

I observed many things about myself through this event—mainly, that I need “alone.” I’ve been around people and their “noise” almost constantly since last school year began and I started realizing through this event that I had forgotten who I was. Aloneness gives me a chance to talk to myself and remember lessons I’ve learned and places I’ve been. If I don’t spend time with myself, I forget who I am. My identity doesn’t readily flow out of me, I have to be intentional about being me. This is a hard thing. It takes me a while to get past the initial depression of loneliness, but once I do, I find myself coming alive like never before and enjoying the company of others more fully. Perhaps this is just one of the many intricacies of being an introvert. Whatever it is, it certainly is something different, and I can’t wait to explore it more.

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Themes

In all honesty, I haven’t had a lot on my mind lately. Over Thanksgiving break I’ve been house-sitting which has been a blessing and a curse, but mostly blessing. The hard part is being by myself, yet at the same time that is also the blessing—the silence is like an emotional/mental/spiritual detox. Yep, it’s just me and the dog I’m watching and frankly, I couldn’t ask for more.

Thanks to the tremendous amount of silence and stillness, I’ve been praying like nobody’s business (who else am I going to talk to?). I did spend some time with family on Thanksgiving Day, but I’ve mostly just been tending to the house and the dog and praying. I did venture out on Black Friday to a local coffee shop (there’s something about being in the company of strangers that’s oddly affirming of my humanity) and had a chance encounter with a friend I haven’t seen in months (though it felt like years). So really, nothing hugely fantastic has really happened over the last few days, but that’s ok: I’m learning to feel His pleasure in the little things.

I’ve still been recording my important thoughts as I have them although they have been much fewer as of late. I think I’m beginning to see a theme however. Much of the things that I ponder relate to ways that I can grow in genuineness but genuineness is never the point. That is, genuineness is a byproduct, not a goal. That’s it really. If I were to say that my main goal in life is to be genuine, then firstly, I wouldn’t be being honest with myself and secondly, I would have no idea what that would even look like. It just so happens though that when you live according to your convictions and humbly adapt to circumstances and ideas that you encounter, genuineness forms as a result of living unashamedly as yourself. As a Christian that’s only part of it though. Genuineness also comes from living unashamedly toward Christ. Something I’ve realized while I’ve been praying is that admission of weakness is not designed so that we would dwell on our needful state, but so that we would celebrate Christ’s power and life already at work in us. It’s the celebration of Christ in our lives that marks us as genuine Christians. Love, joy, peace, and righteousness in the Holy Spirit. I couldn’t ask for more.