Well, it’s time to move out. Just finished my third year of college. Wow.
It’s time for summer once again, and once again I find myself dreading the uncertainty of where I’ll find my next rent payment and food. I’m really trying to not rest in the security of my plans and instead rest in the provision of God, but with the limited experience I have in trusting God, the experiences I am going through right now are taking all of the faith I have.
Finals are over, choir tour is over, and now I’m sitting in an apartment and finding myself filled with wonder at how God has walked with me through all of the things that have happened in the last year, two years, and five years. So much has changed in my life and the thought struck me recently that I’m not really sure how I got where I am. It just sort of happened. Of course I made choices about routines and pursuits but I never would have imagined that I’d be living on my own and not know how to provide for myself. I thought I was more responsible than this. Maybe it’s not about responsibility at all. Maybe sometimes life throws you curve balls and you just have to wait on God.
All of my life has been waiting for this culmination. Yet somehow I’m still stuck in between. It’s like everything about where I’ve been is about to give way into everything about where I will be and the catalyst is who I am now. I have been learning so much over the last few weeks about trusting God, and He’s been speaking to me a lot about things with cumulative value—things that are worth very little by themselves but compound into things of great worth, like working out or practicing violin. Now all of my knowledge is about to be lived out.
I’m having to make some choices that are, for me, very difficult to make. I can’t and won’t tell you my entire backstory—suffice it to say, as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus, I will not be overcome by distress. All of the pain and hardships I’ve endured so far in life have been like miniature hurdles, each preparing me for the next one… until now. This is like a ten-page-violin-concerto, play-in-the-stratosphere-for-twelve-minutes, shift-positions-every-other-thirty-second-note hurdle. But that’s okay; Jesus is guiding every finger, every bowing, presiding over every note I play. He’s walking with me through life and He’s my moral support when I have to confront people and situations that are… unsavory.
My future has always been in God’s hands, it’s only now that my eyes of sight can’t see how I will attain to a future that I have begun to doubt God’s plans. I’m through with doubt! My eyes of faith tell me that God has great plans for my school campus and He wants to use me to bring revival. My eyes of faith tell me that I have a church family that loves and cares about me and prays for me even when I feel completely alone. My eyes of faith tell me that God has given His angels charge over me to deflect the Devil’s offensive against me. I know that God is for me, who can be against me? Surely not my future, surely not my doubt, surely not people I don’t like; and I refuse to hinder myself by not trusting God.