Sometimes, I find myself particularly tired of my place in life… and then it hits me: I want it now. I want my portion now. I have been promised an inheritance, and I’m tired of waiting. Oh God, have mercy on me. It all begins when I start to think about the things that I do, the places I’ve been, the person I’ve become, and I look at all of the people who just don’t care, all of the opportunities that never presented themselves, all of the situations that I’ve judged to be unfair. I feel gypped, robbed. I feel like it’s about time that I find a useful place in life utilizing my whole person. I’m tired of being at the place of existing and waiting and doing so much work to continue waiting for something fulfilling.
I’m so close to being a prodigal. But then I remember Jesus’ parable. Then I remember Peter’s words of wisdom. Then I repent of my thoughts.
I am easily tired and worn out. I am easily fed up and sickened by familiarity and routine. I am weary of watching my life pass before my eyes as the things which I feel would bring me fulfillment pass me by in favor of other people. “The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you…” — 2 Peter 3:9
I could say something to the idea of “maybe the things that I feel would bring me fulfillment really wouldn’t.” I could say that maybe God has a purpose in allowing me to be passed over and ignored. But I don’t think my heart is misguided in this. I don’t think my feelings are lying. I don’t think my motives are impure. I do, however, think I need to be found in the place of readiness for His blessing. He is patient toward me, giving me time to repent and change and renew my mind. His blessing is on the transformed life and I must hasten my transformation by renewing my mind. At the same time, I must be patient for the times that the process doesn’t progress as quickly as I would like it. So here is my mind, God; will You teach my heart to know Your ways, to think Your thoughts? Will you illuminate the darkness in my mind? Will You remove the spiritual blindness oppressing me? Will You lead captivity captive? Will You kill death? Will You enable me to enjoy You?